Hello, my name is Savannah Emard. I was known as Emard or 391 in Provo Canyon School.
I was there in 2008 for half a year. I was having behavioral issues and drug/alcohol issues. I was living in a home where my stepdad was struggling very hard with alcoholism and I was picking up the wrong coping skills to get through the day. So, my mom sent me to an inpatient facility that would help me learn how to express myself properly and pick-up healthy coping skills. That is why I went to Provo.
I went to a spot in Portland, OR called DePaul Youth, back in 2005-2006, and they helped me a lot. They helped me come out to my mom and helped me understand I was not wrong for being a lesbian.
I was willing to go to Provo because I felt myself slipping into the unknown. Into drugs, running away, self-harm, and trying to find friends anywhere I could find acceptance.
I went to Provo willingly. I was compliant. I remember being picked up from the airport and they were mean for no reason. They were not telling me where we were going and just kept repeating that I will not be able to keep any of my clothes. I got to PCS and they did everything they could to keep me in the unknown.
They had mostly young Mormon staff and, being Mexican from Seattle, I knew nothing at all of Mormonism. They took that as insulting and I felt they had it out for non-Mormon kids. They made it clear that they went to BYU, and this was all for school credit. They did not care about us as humans at all.
I still remember a staff losing me on my first day and all he kept saying was, “Little orientation girl where are you…”
Then I got in trouble because he lost me. I had a male staff tell me women know when their period’s start, therefore, I cannot leave to get a pad. They always thought everyone was lying, no matter what. I hurt my knee in Provo canyon and nobody took me to get it checked out. They did not have me elevate or move it. They had me in this old-school leg brace that ended up hindering me so badly my meniscus snapped when I got out of PCS and had to get surgery at 16.
They would do intrusive medical exams without parental consent or even our consent. The worst part was my doctor outside of Provo told me my knee surgery was very preventable if I had the proper help.
I kissed a girl when I was in Provo and they made sure I paid for it. I was put on Investment (the secure unit) for months and they isolated me at a desk facing the wall in the sick room from 7 am-9 pm for a month straight. I could not eat, speak, or go to the bathroom without permission. They did deny me and did just leave me with my hand raised until they felt like sighing and saying, “What NOW Emard.”
I always felt like a burden no matter what I did. The staff hated me; well, they did a good job to make me feel that way at least. There was one or two staff who were nice but 90% hated me. I watched grown adults antagonize children. Physically restrained and hurt young girls, including me.
When I was at that desk for isolation, they took me out one day for a tooth filling my mom and insurance wanted. So, they rushed me from the dentist before the dentist could tell me to be careful eating while my mouth was numb. I ended up chewing through my cheek on accident and they refused to help me. They said I did it for attention and I needed to live with what I did to myself. I still have a huge scar in my mouth.
I remember one girl hated me because I looked like someone from her hometown that assaulted her, but they made us roommates so many times. Nothing got better, she hated me and I needed to be separated from her. Racial and homophobic shit was said from her and to be honest I do not blame her. I just wish that they would have let me leave her alone, instead of being her roommate almost my whole stay.
I learned no healthy coping skills from Provo. They did nothing to help me. The only thing I gained from Provo was friendships through trauma, CPTSD, severe anxiety, fear, depression, low/no self-esteem I have night terrors of Provo still. I have lost many relationships because of my CPTSD and I will need help for the rest of my life to deal with these issues.