“I was seventeen years old in 2004 when I was picked up by transporters and dropped off at a wilderness program, followed by a “therapeutic boarding school”. I was abused and witnessed my peers being abused by the staff. Personally I was abused emotionally, psychologically, physically, and sexually while at the “therapeutic school”.
My story is almost identical to everyone’s I’ve read (kidnapped, strip searched, isolated, attack therapy, raps/profeets, restraint, sleep deprivation, bans, full-times, etc).
My psychologist (at least I think that’s what his designation was) at the facility told me that he was no longer in contact with his daughter, who was around the same age as me at the time, because she had accused him of molesting her and his ex wife believed her. He would ask me for specifics about sexual experiences that I had had, and after each session insist on long uncomfortable hugs. I had another staff member corner me one evening while I was alone in the art room and try to touch me. A male student walked by and saw what was happening and intervened.
I had another staff member take an interest in me and he would take me into a private room under the dining area and he would give me “singing lessons”. He kissed me and groped me every time. The song “The Rose” still makes me feel sick to my stomach. One time in front of other staff and residents he yelled at me about being out of agreement and punished me by making me saw logs all day in the snow. It was humiliating and cemented his power over me. There were so many things that were inappropriate done at this school.
In the sixteen years that have passed since leaving I’ve mentioned the abuse to a few people but never in depth. I have mostly been dismissed or not believed with even the most basic examples of abuse I experienced.
Many people ask, “but what did you do?”
I was a child being abused,it doesn’t matter what I did, and I certainly did not deserve it. As a human labeled a “trouble teen” no one believes or listens to you anyway. Your identity is stripped.
The number of people that I was there with that have died since is alarming. The ones who are still living are struggling. My very best friend is a survivor too and refuses to talk about or acknowledge the abuse. We have been trauma bonded for sixteen years but incapable of helping each other because of the secrets and shame this “school” inflicted on us. She is a part of me, my kids call her Auntie, and it breaks my heart when I see her hurting.
In September of 2018 I was diagnosed with PTSD from a call (I am a paramedic) I went to at work, it sent me into a dark downward spiral. Long story short a man had knocked on a woman’s door barged in and raped her and held her captive for hours. He was my patient and recounted his assault in depth while looking right into my eyes. There I was frozen in time, stuck in a small space, unable to leave, with a monster. Sure, its not the same but it opened my past trauma flood gates. I have had weekly therapy sessions and been on steady medication for 2 years. I now know that it was my horrendous experience in the residential institutions that made me susceptible to the complete breakdown I had and my permanent diagnosis of PTSD.
I have lived almost all of my adult life completely disassociated. I’ve been moving through my life as if I’m in a weird movie that no one wants to watch. Intensive therapy has been life changing for me. I highly recommend to any survivor to seek help, you don’t need to be held captive by the lasting effects of this living nightmare!
I now constantly follow the advice of my psychologist and remind myself of who I am today and now, to bring myself into the present. I repeat this mantra many times a day: My name is Jenny, It’s 2020, I’m thirty three years old, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am in charge of my own life, and no one can hurt me anymore.
The truth is my life is not a movie. I am a victim of institutional abuse. It was real, it was serious, and it happened to me.
Let’s band together in #BreakingCodeSilence and get these toxic places shut down! “
-Jenny