“In 2005, I attempted suicide at the age of 16. I was bleeding out as I called for my father to take me to the hospital. He told me to go f__ myself, and to drive myself there. So, I did. Later, I was admitted with a 52/50 to recover as my parents decided what to do with me. It was my dad’s decision and his push to send me to a Wilderness Therapy Program called Sagewalk, followed by a Residential Treatment Facility called Falcon Ridge Ranch.
I was spared the middle of the night kidnapping, as I was still in the hospital when the two people showed up to take me. They offered me a cigarette and told me not to run. They drove me to the airport where I was met by my parents who flew me to Oregon. I refused to speak with them the entire way. I had a broken ankle at the time and knew I was not going to be able to survive this. I refused hugs goodbye as they blindfolded me and put me in the back of a truck. I thought I was going to die. We drove for 3 hours. I was blindfolded the entire time. They gave me a backpack and told me to walk to a camp. There were 7 other girls all covered in dirt at the camp. I was told to sit and eat, follow all directions, and write in a diary every night that they would then read.
I cried the entire night and could not sleep. They would take our clothes at night so we would not run. This was in the dead of winter in Oregon, where it snowed and got below five degrees at night. One night I cried so hard I vomited all over the tent. It froze, and the morning after I had to icepick it off the ground and dispose of it. Anything we cooked we had to finish in its entirety, and if we did not finish something in time, the entire camp was made to repeat the process, start to finish, if someone did not follow our time orders.
We hiked every day. Some days it was 2 miles, some days 15 or more. We were not allowed to speak. All conversations were monitored. When they felt you reached a certain point in your program, you were forced to do what they called a “solo,” where you were to spend an undisclosed amount of time away from the group and all human contact. Mine was nine days. Nine days that I did not see or talk to another human being. I hallucinated, I cried for my mom. I lost all hope.
Later, after graduation, I was picked up by my family. I showered perma-dirt off of my body and was brought through the Las Vegas airport on our way to Virgin, UT. I thought about running. Could I do it? Would anyone help me? Where would I make money? I thought about this every time I was sent through that airport on home visits.
I entered Falcon Ridge on my 17th birthday. 23 other girls sang me happy birthday and we had cake. After that, I was told to deep clean the entire house. Cleaning was a way to punish and control. Nothing was ever clean enough. Each morning a girl was assigned a cleaning task and it was checked by another girl. If that girl did not like you, you got a mark and possibly missed out on any semblance of fun for that day. Soccer, maybe a Mormon feature film.
They forced me to believe that I had been raped, was an alcoholic, and a Mormon. Yes, you read that right. I drank alcohol once before being admitted to this program, as most teenagers do. They forced me to believe that when I lost my virginity, I was actually raped. They made me file a police report which ruined this teenage boy’s life. They then attempted to indoctrinate me into Mormonism. They made us watch films, sing hymns, and attend Mormon church.
I learned that the only way to beat this and leave was to succumb and pretend. I learned to adapt, and to make them believe they changed me.
They did change me, but not in the way they intended. I will always save myself, protect myself, and always have eyes in the back of my head now.”