“For you to get a full picture of my experience it is important to mention that I am a transgender man and when I was sent away, I was a 16-year-old girl named Megan.
I will admit I was not an easy child to raise and I put my parents in a very tough position due to my behavior. I do not believe they truly knew the extent of what they were signing me up for.
At first, I was sent to a therapeutic boarding school for girls. After 11 days the school decided I needed a higher level of care and they recommended Island View. My parents flew with me to Island View, located in Syracuse, Utah. I was terrified. I had never spent any length of time away from my parents. My parents walked me into the administration building and we immediately said our goodbyes. It did not feel real to me. It felt like I was in a dream or a nightmare. I was strip-searched almost immediately, made to squat and cough. Then they went over my entire body, marking in my chart every single scar I had, which took roughly 10 minutes as they wanted an explanation for every scar they found. I felt like a deer in headlights and completely violated.
I was not very compliant in the first five months of my stay. I was often PI-4’d (Personal Intervention – 4), which involved about five to seven men tackling me to the ground, putting elbows on my neck and head and in my ribs. Once you were down, you had to stay completely still for 15 minutes or time would start over. I never went down easily, I always fought back. Afterward, they would carry me to the “time-out room” and isolate me for hours.
I was often PI-4’d for having “extreme” emotions. I began to fight back in every way I could. This only made things worse for me. They put me on so many medications to sedate my behavior and emotions. These medications included Effexor XR, Lamictal, Abilify, Depakote, Concerta, and Vesicare because the combination of those medications made it hard to control my bladder. There was a period of four to five months where I was PI-4’d multiple times a day. I was put on Yellow Zone (sitting in a plastic chair, no talking, no groups, just you and the wall for 72 hours), numerous times.
When they realized that was not working they refused to let me speak to my family in any way—no letters, phone calls, nothing for months. They put me on a modified Individual Focus for months, where I sat in the hallway on a plastic lawn chair all day—no talking, no school, no groups, just me and the wall again. I was forced to sleep in the hallway under fluorescent lights, made to count while using the bathroom/showering. I eventually convinced my therapist that if they let me start over in the program, I would comply with everything.
My therapist would not address my sexuality or gender dysphoria. She believed that it was caused by childhood sexual abuse (which never occurred) and that once I remembered what had happened to me, I would not feel the same. The groups at Island View were often antagonizing and led by unqualified employees. They would humiliate us in a group setting. We were encouraged to do the same to each other in groups to break others down. I became particularly good at all the techniques they taught to us.
I excelled because I wanted to get out. There was no love there. We were not allowed to say I love you or to hug or touch in any way. We said “I care” instead. I eventually graduated from the Program and I was sent back to the boarding school I was referred by. After three months I convinced my parents to let me come home.
I had always felt apart from, and unable to connect with, my peers, but after this, I truly was apart. I did not know how to talk to anyone. I psychologically analyzed everyone I met. I trusted no one and let no one within arm’s reach of me for years. My relationships with most of my family have never been the same. However, over the years I have grown closer with my parents through open and honest conversations. I still do not have a particularly good relationship with my siblings or extended family.
I have struggled with severe alcoholism and drug addiction since the Program. I still have nightmares most nights and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of that place. I am currently six months sober. That is the longest amount of sobriety I have ever been able to put together.
I have also transitioned from female to male and learned to embrace who I am. I have learned to use this experience to help others. I have learned to connect with others in a deep, intimate, and vulnerable way. This place may have changed me forever but after healing, I have finally become a man I am proud of and someone that I love dearly.
While I have l learned to grow through this experience I am speaking out because I wish someone would have protected me instead of robbing me of my identity and childhood.
I am #BreakingCodeSilence”